The Guide to Know Whether Or Not Your Roommates Have Fur

Many of you out there have probably lived with a cat at some point. And I don’t mean those foxy ladies that slipped into your dorm room for a few days back in 1974. I mean actual cats. The kind that are full of hair and inconsistently bounce between “I love you” and “Dude, seriously, what the hell do you want?” looks.

But perhaps there are some of you that aren’t sure. So here are the clearest warning signs that you are, in fact, living with a cat:

  1. Every last damned thing you own, have ever owned, or will own in the future, is covered with a thick layer of hair. Can’t really understate this one.  If you’re at a party, and you’re wearing a brand new outfit, look closely and you’ll have countless pieces of hair stuck to it.  And not from the Grandma you just finished a swing dance with.
  2. The floors of at least two of your rooms are somewhat covered in tiny gray pellets called cat litter. This, my friends, is actually not only proof that you have a cat, but also proof that your home is host to the Nightly Cat Olympics.  No other beings in the world can deftly execute the backflip-defecation-litter toss combination like a cat.  Points for distance make a nice bonus.
  3. The wife, traditionally the true head of household, does not provide even a third of the House Sassyness Ratio. In most American families, this is a bit of a no brainer.  But should your house be inhabited by at least one cat, the lead woman is often no match for the furry creature only one-twelfth her size.  General behaviors that illustrate this are upturned noses, the “walk away”, and wicked hissing noises.  Note that the last can occur in either species.
  4. No one in your home is ever truly comfortable, regardless of which chair, blanket, sofa, or bed they sit on. This is very subtle but has the ability to wreak havoc throughout the house.  If you happen to see a loved one constantly pushing around a blanket for minutes at a time, turning circles, but never finding the right spot, then you’ve seen it.  Or perhaps it’s constant motion from one side of the couch to the other.  Maybe even it’s a more severe condition called lap whoring.  When these things set in, they aren’t pretty.
  5. Your border collie, once showing great promise as a loving pet, completely turns psychotic and becomes a relentless stalker, never resting and pacing non-stop until everyone around him goes nuts themselves. Obviously a tremendous problem that only affects people in rare circumstances.  Pray to God you don’t ever encounter this one, but if you do, you’ve not only got cats in the house, but you’ve got a situation no human being can possibly control.

Should you make it all the way through these tests, and cannot answer “yes” to any of these questions…well…congratulations.  You are cat free and on your way to an uncomplicated, stress-free life.

If you did answer to the affirmative, then God help you.  You have a lot of soul searching to do.